Winter Break

I have one more day left before my winter break of 07-08 is over and alot has been going through my mind throughout this 4 week vacation.  This break was different because i didn't stay in Toledo the whole time...during the weekends I would go back to Ashland to work and stay with my best guy friend Zorb.  This traveling made me realize that I like stayin there.  The people are so much better and outgoing there than they are in Toledo.  My friends are much fun for me anymore because they don't like change.  They don't like stepping out of their boundaries and experience fun stuff with me.  I'm still young enough to do so..so i want to go out and meet new people and have fun!! That's why I've decided to move to Ashland and continue working where I am right now.  I'm happy there and have realized that no matter what my decision is, my family and friends will always be there for my return home, if i want to return.  This xmas vacation made me realize that nothing has changed at home and i'm not missin much when i am gone.

Kelli: first off I want to congratulate you for you engagement.  You have found a great guy to start a family and spend your life with.  Marc truely is a great guy. There are some things that i have been meaning to tell you and to talk to you about but it seems like you never have the time to discuss or want to hear.  First...when you told me I wasn't the maid of honor and that Maria was, that hurt me really bad.  I don't want to sound selfish or anything but we have been best friends for almost 8 years now and we have just always talked about us being each other's maid of honors in our weddings and then you throw that in my face.  I have also found out some other things about the wedding, that i wasn't even originally in the wedding because i wasn't "excited" enough for you about the wedding.  I think that is bullshit because you don't know the whole reason why i was upset with you the first time you and marc got into a relationship.  it wasn't even about the relationship or marc. It was about you and i and our friendship but you looked passed that and blamed it totally on me.  We have always said that no matter what our best friends would always be there for each other but at that time you and him started dating, you weren't there for me when i needed you and you misunderstood that.  I don't know how else to talk to you about this because right now your not on speaking terms with me because i was tryin to help your fiance figure things out between you and help the situation that is occurring between you two right now.  You are takin this the wrong way and now that your officially ignoring me, i can't talk to you.  But the whole problem with you not putting me in the wedding and not bein the maid of honor was a real shot to the heart.  you should have discussed this with me a long time ago if you knew i wasn't going to be in any part of the wedding let alone the maid of honor.  This whole situation is making me second guess how important our "Best Friend" friendship really was because it seems as though I am getting screwed over in all of this.  I can't talk to you about it anymore because you won't listen to me and automatically assume things when i say certain things and it hurts that i feel like i can't talk to you about this anymore.  I'm running out of suggestions here and i'm not too sure what i should do so if you read this, you should take some initiation and talk to me about this cause i can't anymore.

on the other hand...i cant wait to go back to school cause that means i'm graduating in the spring and i'm finding a house with some of my friends there!!!! can't wait to get back into things and finally start softball season!!!! these are all the things that i'm lookin forward too!!!

Well, I haven't written in here for a very long time probably cause i've been way too busy with school, softball, and work..plus i've been going out alot with my friends here at Ashland.  Got alot of catching up to do on here so let me begin:

My last season of fall ball is over and to my surprise, I'm glad it is.  For the past three years I have been struggling with my coaches and how they treat me.  I had an awesome freshman year with softball and thought I proved myself and earned my position by getting honorable mention as a firstbaseman.  I had one of the highest batting averages on the team and even in the league and my defense was solid.  I played in every game my freshman year so i thought i was set.  Well something must have happened in my coaches mind because their attitude towards me just all of a sudden changed.  Now I'm struggling to win their confidence in me and its been three years of this struggle.  Coming into my senior year, they told me they didn't recruit a firstbaseman because they said they had "confidence" in me and told another player that they don't want two senior competing for the same position but to my surprise, I get screwed again.  They moved a senior over to compete with me at my position who hasn't played firstbase in about five years when I have been playing it all along.  I'm not mad at this girl by all means but just the fact that she can come over to my position and basically start over me...even in fall ball in which everyone usually gets their chance to play in a game.  Instead she is playing on defense and i'm a DH.  I don't wanna just be a DH because I can do way more than that.  I am an all around player and I want to prove that I can do it but I don't know if they will ever give me the chance cause they by far like her alot more than they like me and I have no idea why.  So this year is going to be a challenge for me: it's my last year in college to play ball and i have a good competitor at my position competing against each other for a spot. I don't know if i can handle not playing but i'm gonna try my damnedest to get my spot. I'm a strong girl and with the struggles from the past that have come into my life...i'm gonna make sure i get it done. Screw my coaches...i'm doing this for me

School on the other hand has been going real good. I love all my classes and my professors...it's nice having three different professors for five classes.  They all know me pretty well and know how i study so it works out great.  Again it's my senior year and this year i'm gonna try getting good grades cause i want this year to be a good memorable one.  I love my major and all that it brings...never been so sure on what i wanna do when i graduate which alot cant really say but i know want and where i want to go and do.  The people i work with and the atmosphere i absolutely love..they make it fun and interesting so i thank them for that.

Now the boy situation..you know i gotta include that.  I am looking and talking to a couple guys around ashland and home which i love the attention i'm getting but there are some bad things about these boys.  The one i have had a crush on since the day i met him and ever since then my crush grew.  Finally he made a move and we have been talkin and hanging out for while now. He keeps his business to himself which i like cause i don't want anything going around about me...nothing bad but you know what i mean. He gets cuter everyday and he is a very sweet guy.  Doesn't make things uncomfortable or awkward when we are around other people but just a down to earth guy. Only bad thing is, he won't commit to me.  We have hung out for some time now and we both like each other but we've never had a serious conversation about us and where its going but i do love his company and don't want to stop because of something i want and not sure if he wants the same thing so i'm just gonna go along with it and see where it goes down the road. Another boy goes to my school and plays basketball.  I always thought he was so cute and such a sweetheart and i finally said something to him about me liking him.  We've hung out a couple times with everyone else and have danced together in which by the way i was in heaven...ever since then we've been kinda shy around each other but i would want something with him if it ever came up. He's a shy one so i might have to be the one to initiate something between us if it ever came up.  Then the last boy....what can i say about him.  He's older than i am which is a definately a turn on cause men are more mature with age.  He too is a sweetheart and always finds a way to make me smile no matter where i'm at...good looking too!! I'm going home to spend some time with him to see where it goes but bad thing...he lives at home and not in ashland and i don't know if i wanna have a boyfriend at home when i'm here.  Finally get a good guy and can't have a relationship because we are constantly gonna be two hours away. :( oh well if any of these are meant to be then it'll happen.

I'm enjoying my life here in ashland with everyone i associate with and again i couldn't be happier even with the struggles in  my life. My roommates are absolutely amazing and couldn't have any better ones. They mean the world to me and if it weren't for them, i would be insane. My loverbutt is awesome :) and we do some crazy shit together but we always laugh at it because were just dumb which i love!!! I'm sure gonna miss her when i graduate. And nitty of course is amazing...known her since freshman year but were living together next year which is exciting and i cant wait for :) i wont have to say goodbye to either of them yipeee!!!! I think i've changed for the better...i don't let things get to me so easily and i've been keeping a more positive attitude towards alot which is making me happier so i'm gonna keep doing that lol. I have a new best friend in town and his name is justin zorb!! Absolutely an amazing person who i work with and drink with all the time!!! we too are gonna live with each other which is gonna be awesome!!!

Well there's my life right now..ill update some other time!!!

Kelli Layton-i miss you!!! you need to visit me fast :(

where to start...

everything's good :)

summer almost done :(

Well the school year is soon approaching and i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty excited about it!!  I'm finally a senior and after this year, i basically can be done with school if i choose not to go to grad school. I'm still deciding on if I wanna do that for many different reasons: I love the college atmosphere and all the people in it but do i really wanna have extra classes in which I wouldn't wanna attend?? Right now, I'm just looking forward to graduating and proving to everyone that I made it through everything college brought me. Heartaches, stress, all kinds of trouble but not only the negative, the positive too!! I got to meet great people along the way and gain friendships with people I know I can trust and will have in my life for the rest of it!!! Softball is gonna be awesome this year because now most will look at me and see a leader. I'm pretty vocal out on the field and I believe I'm a good role model but when your an underclassman or junior, they don't wanna look at that!! But now with the title of being a senior, hopefully my coach will see different. You never with my coach, especially when it comes to me...she knows I'm a good ball player and that i try hard at everything I can but somehow I get screwed and don't really understand why. This year is gonna be different, it's my senior year and i'm not gonna let anyone ruin it. I have let people in my past take over my life, my decisions and for once, I found myself this summer.  I don't have a boyfriend to hold me down or hold me back from doing something and I absolutely love it. Yea it would be nice to have someone to do all this stuff with but the more I think about it, who would be able to keep up with me without causing stress or fights in our relationship? Probably no one and if there is a guy out there that can keep up with me, i just haven't found him yet. So this is my year, I've gained all my friendships back and have met some great people who have become close to me and I'm gonna work on keeping that and keeping my life the way it is now cause I've never been happier!! Everyone sees it too...my mom always tells me that I look so happy everytime i talk to her and it makes me feel good!!! So with this year approaching, I guess you can say, "A New Year, A New Me" cause that's exactly what it is Also, Ashland isn't as bad as I thought...now that I've been living there over the summer, it's really grown on me. I have met alot of new people from the people I'm stayin with and from going out and trying new things. I really like it there and haven't really wanted to come home at all with the exception of this week but I like it there so much, I don't wanna leave it. That's why I decided that after I graduate, I'm moving there for good.  There are alot of houses going up for rent and I've been keeping my eye on them everytime I go in town. I get excited when I look at them cause I'm eventually gonna live in one of them.

My job has been getting a little stressful lately just cause the kids I work with aren't the maturest. We can't even have them play 3-on-3 basketball without them complaining or picking a fight with one another. It's not a hard task but seriously they need to learn and grow up to realize that they need to do their time for their crime and get outta here. I love the people I work with, they make it fun for me and I think I'm doing a good job with satisfying them with how I work. It's a good job..it's what i wanna do and I know that once I graduate, I'm gonna officially move to Ashland, get my own house and work there for a while. It's rare to get offered a job before you even did an internship at the place your doing your internship and I got lucky big time!!! I hit it off great right at the beginning and I believe I've met their needs for the job. I've gotten alot of experience from working there and I can't thank my advisor enough for doing what he did for me!!!

Kell- so glad that we discovered our differences and accepted each other for who we are. You truely are my best friend and i'm sorry for being so insecure at times. Things change, people change but now I know that no matter what happens or what goes on, we will always be there for each other! We had rocky times but learned from them and became a stronger person because of it...which made our friendship stronger so i just wanna say thank you for everything...love you bestest!!!!!